Monday, June 29, 2015

Day 5 of 30 Days With God

I woke up this morning to Psalm 51 (MSG) I thought wow Lord how perfect for this season.

You see David sinned by having an adulterous affair with Bathsheba and then tried to cover it up by having her husband killed. He knew he had done wrong so he cried out to God and repented.

The thing about it was... David suffered tremendously and quietly before confessing and repenting for his sins. When the spirit of God dwells in you that Holy Spirit will begin to convict you. You can't truly enjoy sin the way you used to before surrendering your life to Christ. Not saying that you won't have some pleasure or else the enemy couldn't tempt us. But it's kind of like trying to enjoy a good blockbuster movie at the theater but someone keeps kicking the back of your seat.

He wasn't just sorry but he showed genuine repentance. When we sin, we sin against no one but God. Which me means we rebel against God and his way of living. True repentance means truly having a new heart and truly agreeing God's word is true indeed and worthy of obeying and then obeying it.

David wanted to be cleansed of his sin. He wanted God to wash him and make him new. He wanted to use his repentance to teach others about the love of God. I can truly relate to David in this season of my life.
Before Christ they used a pure white lamb as a living sacrifice. But God loved us so much he sent his only begotten son. The Lamb of God. His blood washed away our sins. Jesus was the ultimate living sacrifice.

David's sins were punishable by death both adultery and murder. But Gods grace and mercy spared him. However because of his sin he endured many consequences as a result.
My sins have been forgiven but it doesn't unfortunately resolve me of the consequences as it didn't for David. And like David some of those consequences can not only affect me but the people I love and care about.

Whenever temptation is near God always gives us an exit but we have free will. Which means we have to choose. The Devil never shows us the other hand when he is tempting you but trust me it's there.

What I'm realizing in this season is not only do I want to choose God because of the consequences but also because I truly believe his word and agree with it. I love God and so I want to truly be a women after his heart. Not just living in a legalistic way but deep down in my heart and soul because I love Him.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Day 4 of 30 Days With God

Today I slept way longer than I wanted to because of all the issues my body seems to have when I try to sleep at night. My lower back pain and the weird heart, breathing, anxiety type of situation I have to fall asleep with my pillows propped up and sleep sitting up until it passes. So needless to say I didn't get to sleep until about 3 am.
Today I will go walking after I take an Advil. Walking is hard because I typically walk with no music so I'm left with my thoughts. Which always tend to turn to him. Honestly some days I'm so full of regret because of the results that I am angry with him for not being the man I need or wanted him to be for me. Some days it's much easier to blame him than sit with my own self. I knew the dangerous road I was going down but he didn't or did he?
See that's the funny thing about sin it always presents itself as pleasurable, fun, good times etc etc.
Then when it blows up in your face and then you find yourself trying to back peddle but it's too late then. So in order to mask the pain of the fall out afterwards you do other stuff. For me I eat, or watch marathons of TV series or movies on Netflix to mentally escape or peer into other peoples lives on social media. Even worse sleep my days away because the dream is always better than the reality. In the dream I have a home with this man and a thriving business and we are a power couple with a dynamic ministry.  You will look up and see months and months of your life passing you by and more weight piling on and dreams slowly fading away.
That's how Satan works slowly stealing, killing, and destroying you and all your ordained divine purpose and destiny as well. Once you become ineffective you are no longer being used for the glory of God's Kingdom, which means you are no longer making a good impression on the lives of those souls you are called to impact for the Kingdom. John10:10
Now I fully understand why keeping your eyes stayed on the Lord is so important  Isaiah 26:3
and guarding your heart Proverbs 4:23.
So now what??? Well before a diamond becomes a diamond it's coal that has gone under extreme pressure deep in the earth's belly of coal  mines. As the same with gold it's goes through a refining process where its goes through extreme heat then forged into gold bullion.
This new heart process is the same and it's more precious than diamonds or gold.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Days 1-3 of 30 Days With God

Today Saturday June 27th 11:38pm makes pretty much the end of day 3 of 30 days with God. Aside from writing about my journey. I have deactivated my Facebook personal page and logged out of Twitter and Snap-chat, turned off notifications for Glide and only scroll through Instagram after quite devotion in the morning and then again before I turn in for bed but I haven't posted anything. I am to have no contact for 30 days with my friend a man whom I happen to be in love with. This will hopefully allow me to sever the unhealthy soul tie I have established with him. I am trying to truly redirect my focus back to God. I also want to eat and live physically healthy which will coincide with being spiritually healthy.

So basically I've unplugged from everything and everybody I've become way too codependent on. Especially when one of those codependents isn't even aware of my symbiotic affection for him. It's just me and my blog and no one really even reads my blog. But I wanted to record this journey publicly.  

So far the process has involved a lot of crying and praying and reading my bible for comfort. It's still hard to re-discipline myself to reach for my bible in times when I'm searching for satisfaction. I'm so used to the empty calories of social media or Netflix or reaching out to him when I'm lonely or in the mood to talk about my life. Unfortunately none have really offered me any real solid solutions to the woes in my life anyway.

I've made my cellular device, food and this man an idol. I have chosen many times them over what I know to be the infallible truth of God's word.

Let's first start with the fact that I love to eat, it has brought me some level of comfort... At least while I'm actually eating it does. But now I seem to feel sick more times than not after eating especially anything unhealthy. Unfortunately I have paid the cost of making food my source of comfort. I am now very over weight and it has caused some health issues. Achy knees, lower back pain, pain in my ankles and feet. Increased heart rate and sleep apnea. That's just what I know of.

Then there is the fact that I love love. I am in love with the idea of the happily ever after, growing old with my best friend as my husband and companion. Yet I won't allow God to groom me to be the perfect mate for my perfect mate. I keep taking control of the wheel. There enters the problem when an old childhood friend whom I've often dreamed of through my adult life comes back around and we begin to journey on a delightful summer of fun. Then I lost my focus and should've been checking in with God as to the purpose of this reunion. Why because I had my own selfish agenda and now I'm feeling weight of those decisions. I blogged about it here

Now lastly but definitely not least this damn phone has stolen so much of my time and even in some cases my joy. Too much information constantly being feed into your brain is just not healthy. Social Media can be like getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle. There have been plenty of times when I have looked up and now I'm running late or up way past the time I was going to bed or even not falling back to sleep because I check my phone in the middle of the night. I had even gotten good at checking in on his activity through social media. It's truly a very toxic and dangerous platform if you aren't careful.

So here I am 30 days of Praise and worship music, prayer, praise, meditating of God's word, eating better, exercising and solely relying of My Father in Heaven for all source of satisfaction and fulfillment. It's only been 3 days and I feel okay as long as I am busy at work or doing things around the house or for my son. But when it's time to get quite I have to sit with all of this and its ugly. Circumcision of the heart is as brutal as circumcision itself.

Psalm 34 has been great comfort while I purge. As I type these words I can hear the words playing in my headphones HE WANTS IT ALL TODAY. BOW DOWN LET GO OF YOUR IDOLS, HE WANTS IT ALL.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Queen bee

So after looking at drawings that I made prints of I realized I hadn't done one in awhile. So while I was selling my art downtown Silver Spring, Maryland I kept myself entertained by starting a new drawing on some bristol paper. I eventually finished it at home.
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