Today Saturday June 27th 11:38pm makes pretty much the end of day 3 of 30 days with God. Aside from writing about my journey. I have deactivated my Facebook personal page and logged out of Twitter and Snap-chat, turned off notifications for Glide and only scroll through Instagram after quite devotion in the morning and then again before I turn in for bed but I haven't posted anything. I am to have no contact for 30 days with my friend a man whom I happen to be in love with. This will hopefully allow me to sever the unhealthy soul tie I have established with him. I am trying to truly redirect my focus back to God. I also want to eat and live physically healthy which will coincide with being spiritually healthy.
So basically I've unplugged from everything and everybody I've become way too codependent on. Especially when one of those codependents isn't even aware of my symbiotic affection for him. It's just me and my blog and no one really even reads my blog. But I wanted to record this journey publicly.
So far the process has involved a lot of crying and praying and reading my bible for comfort. It's still hard to re-discipline myself to reach for my bible in times when I'm searching for satisfaction. I'm so used to the empty calories of social media or Netflix or reaching out to him when I'm lonely or in the mood to talk about my life. Unfortunately none have really offered me any real solid solutions to the woes in my life anyway.
I've made my cellular device, food and this man an idol. I have chosen many times them over what I know to be the infallible truth of God's word.
Let's first start with the fact that I love to eat, it has brought me some level of comfort... At least while I'm actually eating it does. But now I seem to feel sick more times than not after eating especially anything unhealthy. Unfortunately I have paid the cost of making food my source of comfort. I am now very over weight and it has caused some health issues. Achy knees, lower back pain, pain in my ankles and feet. Increased heart rate and sleep apnea. That's just what I know of.
Then there is the fact that I love love. I am in love with the idea of the happily ever after, growing old with my best friend as my husband and companion. Yet I won't allow God to groom me to be the perfect mate for my perfect mate. I keep taking control of the wheel. There enters the problem when an old childhood friend whom I've often dreamed of through my adult life comes back around and we begin to journey on a delightful summer of fun. Then I lost my focus and should've been checking in with God as to the purpose of this reunion. Why because I had my own selfish agenda and now I'm feeling weight of those decisions. I blogged about it here
Now lastly but definitely not least this damn phone has stolen so much of my time and even in some cases my joy. Too much information constantly being feed into your brain is just not healthy. Social Media can be like getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle. There have been plenty of times when I have looked up and now I'm running late or up way past the time I was going to bed or even not falling back to sleep because I check my phone in the middle of the night. I had even gotten good at checking in on his activity through social media. It's truly a very toxic and dangerous platform if you aren't careful.
So here I am 30 days of Praise and worship music, prayer, praise, meditating of God's word, eating better, exercising and solely relying of My Father in Heaven for all source of satisfaction and fulfillment. It's only been 3 days and I feel okay as long as I am busy at work or doing things around the house or for my son. But when it's time to get quite I have to sit with all of this and its ugly. Circumcision of the heart is as brutal as circumcision itself.
Psalm 34 has been great comfort while I purge. As I type these words I can hear the words playing in my headphones HE WANTS IT ALL TODAY. BOW DOWN LET GO OF YOUR IDOLS, HE WANTS IT ALL.