Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Day 6 of 30 Days With God

Late last night and all of today was a cry fest at random times throughout the day. But amazingly I'm not feeling hopeless about love. In fact I'm feeling quite the opposite. Don't get me wrong I'm not over him, far from it. However with each passing day that I'm allowing God to change me. I see how out of order it all was. I'm also slowly accepting the reality that most likely we will not end up being what I hoped we would become. Each day I make it I am slowly not focusing on day 31 so I can call him. 

I think I'm learning to look at life with a God way of thinking.

 After studying Ephesians 4:17-32 I see and understand why there are certain areas where I still keep tripping up. I realize I had not fully surrendered every aspect of my life to God. I only gave him access to areas I didn't mind bending in. 
I have a these two girlfriends who shoot straight from the hip, These ladies know how to give you a real dose of the truth. The funny thing is I know they are honest and love me very much but when I'm determined to do things Antwanyce's way I don't tell them anything. I want to run off and hang with Mr. Light Skin as they called him and not hear anyone tell me why I should be seeking God first and waiting for an answer. Nope didn't want no one not even God himself raining on my exhale moment.

What I've learned through this heart surgery is I was hardening my heart to God's truth. I see now that I have to officially let go of my way of doing life. Besides I have a marathon long track record that should prove to myself that I don't know what the heck I'm doing. 

Today I've watched back to back teachings that I swear ironically pertain to my current situation. God is making sure it gets drilled in this thick skull. I'd watch a video or podcast then have a cry session then watch another and cry some more afterwards. 
There is no one to call, nothing to drown out my feelings, no social media. Last night I made the mistake of watching one movie and it was a love story. Let's just say I wasn't ready....the scab had just been pealed back all over again. I didn't reach for food or send some crazy emotional text (although I was close to doing both). I prayed to my Daddy and as always there was peace afterwards. 

Before this 30 day journey I made everyone from Him, my mom, my clients, and whomever else my personal mission to save and pray for. I was definitely determined to get Him saved lol. I am laughing at myself out loud as I type this. I know God was like look at this fool. She running around worrying about everybody's spirituality but her own. 

The funny thing is everything in this Bible is for me to use to better Antwanyce not for me to beat everyone over the head with Bible knowledge. 


j Blount said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
j Blount said...

He's trying to stretch us all. Good read

Danisha said...

great post! I'm grateful you are listening, and taking action to get back on the path that God has for you. It's a much more peaceful road. you are a brave soldier!

NaNette said...

" my exhale moment"
Is a blog post within itself. Reminds me that daily we have to breathe in and breathe out to live... to be alive. As I think about exhaling I'm reminded that our sin stinks in his nostrils ... our exhale.
It's by what comes out of us that we are defouled. Thank you for sharing your journey, praying with you and being inspired to watch my own exhale. Knowing that if it never gets IN me I won't exhale it out. You blessed me!

Jessika ThePolishedQueen said...

What an exciting journey this is! I look forward to seeing what God will do at the end of it. In the midst of it, constantly ask yourself one question: "Would I have to keep this thing I want to do or say a secret from those who love and want the best me?" Or better yet, "Is this what God wants for me; would HE be pleased?"

There is so much reward in making Jesus your boyfriend. He's the best boyfriend I ever had if I'm being honest - and I was truly, undeniably happy with going through life with only Him at my side before my would-be husband came around. If it weren't for that relationship with God, I never would have been able to recognize the kind of Love and attention I actually deserved. Being with Him made me hopeful and even confident in the fact that I could be, WOULD BE loved unconditionally. This was HUGE for me because I'd endured enough heartache to completely shatter my confidence in men, in LOVE, in marriage. At one point I honestly believed I was unloveable.

But Jesus...He planted in me the thought and belief that I truly did deserve unconditional love. Mind you, I never went out there looking. I knew, in my heart, because God put it there, that whoever that unconditionally-loving person was going to be, he'd FIND and PURSUE ME. All I had to do was live and be about my own business:). God would do the rest.

And if He did it for me, He'll most assuredly do it for YOU.

Thank you for sharing XOXOXO

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