Late last night and all of today was a cry fest at random times throughout the day. But amazingly I'm not feeling hopeless about love. In fact I'm feeling quite the opposite. Don't get me wrong I'm not over him, far from it. However with each passing day that I'm allowing God to change me. I see how out of order it all was. I'm also slowly accepting the reality that most likely we will not end up being what I hoped we would become. Each day I make it I am slowly not focusing on day 31 so I can call him.
I think I'm learning to look at life with a God way of thinking.
After studying Ephesians 4:17-32 I see and understand why there are certain areas where I still keep tripping up. I realize I had not fully surrendered every aspect of my life to God. I only gave him access to areas I didn't mind bending in.
I have a these two girlfriends who shoot straight from the hip, These ladies know how to give you a real dose of the truth. The funny thing is I know they are honest and love me very much but when I'm determined to do things Antwanyce's way I don't tell them anything. I want to run off and hang with Mr. Light Skin as they called him and not hear anyone tell me why I should be seeking God first and waiting for an answer. Nope didn't want no one not even God himself raining on my exhale moment.
What I've learned through this heart surgery is I was hardening my heart to God's truth. I see now that I have to officially let go of my way of doing life. Besides I have a marathon long track record that should prove to myself that I don't know what the heck I'm doing.
Today I've watched back to back teachings that I swear ironically pertain to my current situation. God is making sure it gets drilled in this thick skull. I'd watch a video or podcast then have a cry session then watch another and cry some more afterwards.
There is no one to call, nothing to drown out my feelings, no social media. Last night I made the mistake of watching one movie and it was a love story. Let's just say I wasn't ready....the scab had just been pealed back all over again. I didn't reach for food or send some crazy emotional text (although I was close to doing both). I prayed to my Daddy and as always there was peace afterwards.
Before this 30 day journey I made everyone from Him, my mom, my clients, and whomever else my personal mission to save and pray for. I was definitely determined to get Him saved lol. I am laughing at myself out loud as I type this. I know God was like look at this fool. She running around worrying about everybody's spirituality but her own.
The funny thing is everything in this Bible is for me to use to better Antwanyce not for me to beat everyone over the head with Bible knowledge.