Sunday, March 15, 2015

To have loved and to have lost...

I wonder if anyone has ever died from a broken heart? I haven't felt this bewildered since I lost my uncle. Of course the lost isn't the same because no one has died. Yet the heaviness is the same. The knowledge that this heavy feeling will pass is somewhere in the back of my mind. Yet the random moments of uncontrollable sobbing are all too familiar. Then there is the longing for that love one but you have no power to bring them back to you.
Perhaps it's the weird way I cling to the men I truly adore in my life. I adore my uncle Terry, my brother Delonte' and I adored my uncle Darel. Darel has been gone for 5 years now, yet some days it feels like it was just a few months ago. I miss him so much. J would've liked him. Sighhhh speaking of my J... After we reconnected my life hasn't been the same. Oh I how I adore him so. Everything was good until one day it just wasn't. Now I'm trying to readjust and be alright with the distance that is now between us. My emotions go from one extreme to the next. I've never experienced what I experienced with him with no man before him. It felt safe. I fell but he wasn't ready to catch me.
I get so angry at times because I had finally gotten to a place where no one was in the picture frame. The day dream was of no one except me and my dreams of owning a coffee house gallery. Now I in love with a man who isn't capable of loving someone in that capacity or perhaps just not me.
Some days I'm grateful for the experience I shared with him last summer because I now have a preview of what I can potentially have with someone who is ready. Then there are days like today where I miss and long for some of those moments with my J. Even as just my old friend.
Then there are the moments where I feel as though you can't miss what you've never known so I wish I had never known....
I'm just tired of grieving this loss. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and feel better now.

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