Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I am ready...


I have been in such a lazy blah mood since I have been back from my retreat. You would think the opposite effect of fire and inspiration would be the case. Well some days more so than others. But mostly blah. I am still trying to figure out some things going on in my personal world. 

Since I've moved back home in Dec/2008 I feel as though what should have a been a time for regrouping has a been a regression in some ways, yet an improvement in other ways. However ARE the improvements significant enough to really matter????? I don't know lets see...

The goal was too save money and clean up my credit and purchase another home. Also have some ease so I can build my career as an artist. Well I have no savings and credit is still waiting for improvements. I live paycheck to paycheck. I've had more bouts of sadness in the last 2 1/2 years than I can count. Between feeling the toll of the bad choices I made to put me in this position, to the deaths of two uncles, weight gain, and declining clientele...I don't see any PROgression going on here. 

Now the bright side is my art has improved tremendously things I once thought were intimidating aren't anymore. I love learning and experiencing new techniques and mediums in which to create visual poetry. I plan and design meticulously and then execute it in a more vivid visual form than a moleskine journal can ever portray. It has made me very sensitive about my shit though. The more I paint and discover what I like and dislike the more I discover about my own self. The more I learn to come to terms with who I am as a woman. The better I get the less feedback I desire. I am discovering my style or muse if you will. In my life the same holds true. What I thought were necessities weren't anymore. I don't like doing things that I am not passionate about nor want to. However just like in a painting some things just have to be done to get the desired effect. Although any great artist has there faults and never stops learning when it comes to there craft. I personally have many faults and a whole lot of room for growth in my life...so I will never stop learning personally either.

I am 37, divorced, mother of two impressionable teenagers, financially classified as poor, over weight and by clinical standards morbidly obese, I don't sell nearly enough art to quit the hair biz. Yet I still keep holding on. I would never trade my journey for anyone else's. I am rich in family, friends, beautiful amazing kids with a father who loves them, I drive a car that is 20 years old and kind of creepy inside but has been very reliable, I have been given the opportunity to hone my talent as a visual artist and love on myself a bit. I have a job that comes naturally and easy to me that pays good when I put more into it.

Sooo I guess in a sense I have progressed or regrouped just not in ways I would have imagined. I feel its time to get a bit uncomfortable though. Its time to spread my wings and sore. I have licked my wounds long enough. Now is the time and I'm getting ready, so watch out world!

Below is a painting I did for a widow, a soldiers wife. A military man died and left behind his wife and daughter to carry on a legacy. Although I have many personal views on war. I truly thank our service men and women who risk so much for a better life not only for themselves but for all of us. This was created for Mother's Day for her. 
titled:
In Memory Of 


3 comments:

Comeca Jones said...

Even in your own sadness how wonderful is it that you can take time to think about others sadness and loss. I will pray that reach a place that is best for you by Gods plan not ours ya know? I had a horrible couple of years and I must tell you I am now in a place of total transformation relationship wise,financially and emotionally.His timing is so awesome he shows up just when we are ready so again my prayer for you is peace in your going through.

~Rasz~ said...

Your post brought my to tears. It was if you were telling my story too...so many women's stories yet so unique and personal to YOU! Remember you are a unique and an awesome, artistic woman. To get up everyday, to go to work, to have your children, and you reach out. You made me think of how far I have come even though as my "plan" has been in the past several years I feel I have not made progress.

There is one thing I have learned over the past several years trying to rebuild my life:
1. We are not the number on the scale.
2. We are not our credit score.
3. We are so much harder on ourselves than anyone else ever would be.
4. We were created for a purpose and passion exactly as we are.

I am new to art and if I could become half as talented as you I would be truly blessed. You really are amazing and your spirit shines through!

The Rich Ant said...

Thanks Guys I appreciate the encouraging words.

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