Thursday, November 13, 2008

lost in the wilderness

JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I posted a story about a young boy lost in the woods in the darkness.

That little boy was Pastor and Gospel Artist Clint Brown. It was a message that obviously stuck with me.
I'm in my own wilderness if you will. Now although business is so far, better this month than last month. I'm so entrenched in the hole I'm just trying to keep the dirt from falling on top of me.

Yet I still have some small hope that things will be alright. I think about my Grandma in VA. I sure do see her in a different light now.
She has her struggles but she never stops she always perseveres. My other Granny is different in the since that she is financially in a much better place.
I think back to my childhood and they both played very different rolls in my childhood. Granny was definitely more hands on where as my Grandma was even at that time trying to make it. At least that is how it always seemed through my eyes. I sit and try to examine where I've come from and who I've come from to better understand where I'm heading and who the woman in her mid thirties is trying to be.
Pride is a good and a bad thing. Certain things I just don't feel good asking people to do. Some people I know just feel its their birth right to have family & love ones help them. They even shit on you and forget what you have done for them. I can't control that but I have a hard time dealing with asking for people to put themselves out to help me.
I know my problems are not extremely horrible. I just hate to think I'm screwing up my kids in all of this. My parenting is always discussed as layed back. However my kids seem to think I hot stuff. They are my own fan club. They truly toot my horn.

I work in a salon so hours are at times long. They miss me when I'm gone long. I cook dinner late and they still think I'm the bomb. They look forward to our prime time tv as we cuddle up in my bed and watch all the shows. It is them that makes this mess feel so stressful. They deserve stability and monotony.

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