Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Losing control

a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.; a timid or easily intimidated person. –adjective
lacking courage; very fearful or timid.
proceeding from or expressive of fear or timidity: a coward cry.
[Origin: 1175–1225; ME <>-ard]

This is suppose to be an artsy blog. Its just a Nycie Blog. A stupid online diary that I have to censor because I'm a coward and I wanted to be RichAnt The Artist instead I'm some flighty hairstylist who is in search of satisfaction. You know the pursuant of that true happiness.

So what I spend money I shouldn't, so what I want a fulfilling relationship with a man. Half the damn women out here want that and they are lying when they say they don't. Hell some are in relationships and still lonely. Why does making me have cats as oppose to dogs or any other pet make me the lonely cat lady? Why can't single women own cats and it not have a negative connotations behind it. No I don't like being overweight but shit who the f*#@ does? The whole diet industry wouldn't be making a killing if people like me weren't always looking for a simple way to lose the pounds. Yeah I read self improvement books so the f@#* what! Some people pop pills or down a drink or worse. I think there is always room for self improvement.

Everyday I try to avoid disturbing the balance that I need to function creatively in my little world. I guess its the Libra in me. I don't like confrontation. It weakens my spirit. My cats are so misunderstood they just want to co-exist in love and peace. I may not have all the answers but I still manage to try and be optimistic and encouraged. So when I lose control and fly off the handle it doesn't feel good. Once I let the things that get on my nerves starts to really get to me then I've sold my soul. That never makes me feel good it can actually make me quite nauseous. I've allowed myself to reach my boiling point and for what...just to prove I too can say it in your face and get down right nasty with it. Well hell I'd much rather be a coward, its my way to co-exist. So yes I am a coward and that feeling I can live with far better than being mean and out of control.
To my sister I am deeply sorry for those awful things I said. It was hurtful and malicous. I want so badly to retract that moment in time.

1 comment:

preggo said...

I'm sorry too. I wish I could take back the things I said. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful spirit and I know you will find the true happiness you deserve. But don't be a coward, don't be a bully, but please don't let people take advantage of you, you don't deserve that.

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